My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Holy shit dude........stairs
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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