That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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