I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize