New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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