Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
