goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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