i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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