The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
