The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
