Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
