My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
