allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Who died my cat blue again?
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