So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
