the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
