I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
