oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
