I can text with my tongue
Duck Duck Cougar?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
this just has baby written all over it
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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