I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
