Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
