eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Well I just put wine in my tea
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
