This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
