I puked a lego.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize