She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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