Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
