You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Your penis caused this!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
