can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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