FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
