People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
