Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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