It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
