I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
