I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
