When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Mom said you looked used
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
