tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
