and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
