I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize