Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
