turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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