he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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