Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
