everyone is single if you try hard enough
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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