Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sext me about skeletons
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
