Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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