my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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