The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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