i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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