u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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