Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
