my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
