The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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