Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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