I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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