I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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