1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
