i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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