I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
