either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
