Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
