um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
