so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
